It’s not cold yet…

60 Above Zero
Floridians turn on the heat.
People in South Dakota plant their gardens.

50 Above Zero
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Students in South Dakota sunbathe.

40 Above Zero
Italian and English cars won’t start.
Residents of South Dakota drive with their windows down.

32 Above Zero
Distilled water freezes.
The water in the Missouri gets thicker.

20 Above Zero
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves and wool hats.
People in South Dakota throw on a flannel shirt.

15 Above Zero
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in South Dakota have the last cookout before it gets cold.

Zero
People in Miami all die.
People in South Dakota close the windows.

10 Below Zero
Californians fly to Mexico.
People in South Dakota get out their winter coats.

25 Below Zero
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in South Dakota are selling cookies door to door.

40 Below Zero
Washington DC runs out of hot air.
People in South Dakota let their dogs sleep indoors.

100 Below Zero
Santa Clause abandons the North Pole.
People in South Dakota go ice fishing.

460 Below Zero
All atomic motion stops—absolute zero on the Kelvin Scale.
People in South Dakota are prone to ask..”Cold ‘nuff for ya?”

500 Below Zero
Hell freezes over.
South Dakota public schools open but running two hours late.

The Indian and the Buffalo

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter:

'Want coffee.'

The waiter says, 'Sure, Chief. Coming right up.'

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter

'Want coffee.'

The waiter says 'Whoa, Tonto!

We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.

What was all that about, anyway?'

The Indian smiles and proudly says ..

'Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.

FRANK FELDMAN

A man walks out to the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'
Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'
Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'
Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'
Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.
Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.'
Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid Traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman'
Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'
Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died. I married his @#$%&** widow.