Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Quickie in the Bushes

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel came down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, You have fifteen minutes left... would you care to do it again? He asks her Shall we?', and she eagerly replies,Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you poop on its head.'


The Two Wolves

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said, 'My son, the battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all.

One is Evil.
It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good.
It is joy, peace , love, hope, serenity , humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: 'Which wolf wins?'

The old Cherokee simply replied, 'The one you feed.

I like this Buddhist version of the story.

The Buddha said, “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”

When OJ Dies

One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

'I don't know what to do here,' says the devil.

You are on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.'

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell. 'No,' OJ said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long.'

The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was George Bush with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. 'No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,' commented OJ.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, 'Yeah man, I can handle this.'

The devil smiled and said.....

OK, Monica, you're free to go.

Liquid Assets

This was sent to me around Oct 14, 2008 so the prices probably aren't accurate. These stocks most likely have lost more value. Or you could have gotten a big bonus if your worked at AIG.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago,
you will have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have
$33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily and recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you proud to be an American!

Little Johnny

Hey remember reading all the jokes about 'Little Johnny'? You know, the kid that the teachers are afraid to call on for answers in the class, for fear of what he might say. Well, finally a photo of 'Little Johnny' has surfaced. See if you can find him in the picture The theme of this picture was, 'Make a funny face.

I knew you'd find him.

Friday, January 23, 2009

It’s not cold yet…

60 Above Zero
Floridians turn on the heat.
People in South Dakota plant their gardens.

50 Above Zero
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Students in South Dakota sunbathe.

40 Above Zero
Italian and English cars won’t start.
Residents of South Dakota drive with their windows down.

32 Above Zero
Distilled water freezes.
The water in the Missouri gets thicker.

20 Above Zero
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves and wool hats.
People in South Dakota throw on a flannel shirt.

15 Above Zero
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in South Dakota have the last cookout before it gets cold.

People in Miami all die.
People in South Dakota close the windows.

10 Below Zero
Californians fly to Mexico.
People in South Dakota get out their winter coats.

25 Below Zero
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in South Dakota are selling cookies door to door.

40 Below Zero
Washington DC runs out of hot air.
People in South Dakota let their dogs sleep indoors.

100 Below Zero
Santa Clause abandons the North Pole.
People in South Dakota go ice fishing.

460 Below Zero
All atomic motion stops—absolute zero on the Kelvin Scale.
People in South Dakota are prone to ask..”Cold ‘nuff for ya?”

500 Below Zero
Hell freezes over.
South Dakota public schools open but running two hours late.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

The Indian and the Buffalo

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter:

'Want coffee.'

The waiter says, 'Sure, Chief. Coming right up.'

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter

'Want coffee.'

The waiter says 'Whoa, Tonto!

We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.

What was all that about, anyway?'

The Indian smiles and proudly says ..

'Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.