Cactus Eyed Joe's Jokes

Quickie in the Bushes

2009-03-18T21:12:00.001-07:00

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel came down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, You have fifteen minutes left... would you care to do it again? He asks her Shall we?', and she eagerly replies,Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you poop on its head.'

AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????!

The Two Wolves

2009-03-18T21:10:00.001-07:00

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said, 'My son, the battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all.

One is Evil.
It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good.
It is joy, peace , love, hope, serenity , humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: 'Which wolf wins?'

The old Cherokee simply replied, 'The one you feed.

I like this Buddhist version of the story.

The Buddha said, “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”

When OJ Dies

2009-03-18T20:49:00.000-07:00

One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

'I don't know what to do here,' says the devil.

You are on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.'

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell. 'No,' OJ said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long.'

The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was George Bush with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. 'No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,' commented OJ.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, 'Yeah man, I can handle this.'

The devil smiled and said.....

OK, Monica, you're free to go.

Liquid Assets

2009-03-18T20:29:00.000-07:00

This was sent to me around Oct 14, 2008 so the prices probably aren't accurate. These stocks most likely have lost more value. Or you could have gotten a big bonus if your worked at AIG.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago,
you will have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have
$33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily and recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you proud to be an American!

Little Johnny

2009-03-18T19:54:00.001-07:00

Hey remember reading all the jokes about 'Little Johnny'? You know, the kid that the teachers are afraid to call on for answers in the class, for fear of what he might say. Well, finally a photo of 'Little Johnny' has surfaced. See if you can find him in the picture The theme of this picture was, 'Make a funny face.

I knew you'd find him.

It’s not cold yet…

2009-01-23T18:29:00.000-08:00

60 Above Zero
Floridians turn on the heat.
People in South Dakota plant their gardens.

50 Above Zero
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Students in South Dakota sunbathe.

40 Above Zero
Italian and English cars won’t start.
Residents of South Dakota drive with their windows down.

32 Above Zero
Distilled water freezes.
The water in the Missouri gets thicker.

20 Above Zero
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves and wool hats.
People in South Dakota throw on a flannel shirt.

15 Above Zero
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in South Dakota have the last cookout before it gets cold.

Zero
People in Miami all die.
People in South Dakota close the windows.

10 Below Zero
Californians fly to Mexico.
People in South Dakota get out their winter coats.

25 Below Zero
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in South Dakota are selling cookies door to door.

40 Below Zero
Washington DC runs out of hot air.
People in South Dakota let their dogs sleep indoors.

100 Below Zero
Santa Clause abandons the North Pole.
People in South Dakota go ice fishing.

460 Below Zero
All atomic motion stops—absolute zero on the Kelvin Scale.
People in South Dakota are prone to ask..”Cold ‘nuff for ya?”

500 Below Zero
Hell freezes over.
South Dakota public schools open but running two hours late.

The Indian and the Buffalo

2009-01-17T20:06:00.000-08:00

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter:

'Want coffee.'

The waiter says, 'Sure, Chief. Coming right up.'

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter

'Want coffee.'

The waiter says 'Whoa, Tonto!

We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.

What was all that about, anyway?'

The Indian smiles and proudly says ..

'Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.

FRANK FELDMAN

2009-01-12T16:45:00.000-08:00

A man walks out to the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'
Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'
Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'
Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'
Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.
Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.'
Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid Traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman'
Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'
Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died. I married his @#$%&** widow.

The Mistress

2008-08-08T06:45:00.000-07:00

An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress.

The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered....

The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.

The computer scientist says, "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife. And I can spend all night on the computer!"

The Website is down

2008-06-26T13:56:00.000-07:00

The Website is down

The Wrong Bike

2008-05-21T07:27:00.001-07:00

http://www.halllakeland.com/rex/the-wrong-bike.wvx

I never could figure out what the correct bike was!

Women vs. Men

2008-05-15T11:23:00.001-07:00

Women vs. Men
Remember all of these are correct if it's more important to win than to be happy.
_____
WOMEN'S REVENGE 'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. 'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked. 'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
_____
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN - (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
_____
MARRIAGE SEMINAR While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.' He addressed the man, 'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?' Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
_____
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
_____
WIFE VS. HUSBAND A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
_____
WORDS A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
_____
CREATION A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. 'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
_____
WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.' Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.' Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.' So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . 'HEBREWS'
_____
THE SILENT TREATMENT A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.' Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
_____
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece

Mother's Day

2008-05-09T08:06:00.001-07:00

The Wishing Well

2008-05-08T19:53:00.001-07:00

Hollywood Muppets

2008-05-08T19:50:00.001-07:00

http://photos.tmz.com/galleries/hollywood_muppets

The Haircut

2008-04-07T07:53:00.001-07:00

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and Becoming More Successful.

Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bil lthe barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.

The Banana Test

2008-04-07T07:51:00.001-07:00

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,
a Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel, who pass by.
They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off
the tree.

Who do you guess will win?

Your answer will reflect your personality.

So think carefully . . . Try and answer within 30 seconds

Got your answer?

Now scroll down to see the analysis.

If your answer is:

Lion = you're dull.

Chimpanzee = you're a moron.

Giraffe = you're a complete idiot.

Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid.

A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.

Obviously you're stressed and overworked.
You should take some time off and relax!
Try again next year.

--
Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love Truly,
Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you Smile.
Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here we
should Dance....
--

Blind Pilots

2008-04-04T20:41:00.001-07:00

The entrance opens, two men dressed in pilots uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they are headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they are going to scream too late and we are all going to die."

As I've Matured...

2008-04-04T20:40:00.001-07:00

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.

I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it

I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

Beer and Fireworks Don't Mix

2008-04-04T20:38:00.001-07:00

So True it Hurts

2008-04-04T19:54:00.001-07:00

NEW COINS (Change For The Better)

2008-04-03T06:54:00.001-07:00

http://blip.tv/file/520347

Buddhist Humor

2008-02-26T17:52:00.000-08:00

What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor?"
Make me one with everything".

The hot dog vendor prepares a hot dog with everything and hands it to the monk.
The monk pays the vendor with a 10 dollar bill and asks for the change.

The hot dog vendor says: "Change comes from within".